Not the Other Woman pt. 2
I am not the other woman.
Throughout affair recovery, I spent a lot of time reading the stories of betrayed wives. I followed them on instagram and read infidelity blogs and forums. At first, it was to try to understand what my husband was going through but later it felt like a form of punishment. Every time I read about their pain, it reminded me that my husband was hurting.
Often, I found an account on social media that referred to the other woman with horrible names (there are a lot of them out there). I didn’t just cringe hearing the disgusting names; I cringed hearing the term the “other woman.” I reflected on that for months.
I was never the other woman, even when I thought I was.
Calling me the “other woman,” implies that I was the reason that my counsellor forfeited his code of ethics and integrity and yet clearly, if it had not been me in that vulnerable position, surely it would have been - or had already been - someone else.
It also implies that his wife should hold me partially accountable for her husband’s betrayal. My current counsellor has been clear with me that I am not to blame for the wounds that my ex-counsellor inflicted on his wife, and I am not responsible for the mess he created in their marriage.
It’s taken me months of reading, reflection, counselling and connecting with advocate groups to be able to say confidently, “I am not the other woman,” but rather a victim of abuse by my Christian counsellor.
The other woman is the one who steps out of her marriage and is unfaithful to her husband, emotionally or physically, with a man of equal standing. She chooses to put down her safeguards and barriers and allows a man who is not her husband to get to know her in increasingly intimate ways which inevitably leads to some sort of infidelity. That is the other woman.
The other woman is never a patient, client or congregant
I went to my Christian counsellor, wounded and vulnerable. I went to work on myself hoping that a ‘healthy’ me could pursue a healthier relationship with my husband. My counsellor knew this and said he supported me in my goal. He had a fiduciary duty to protect and help me, not harm me.
This man had his certification, he was a pastor, the picture of him and his wife on the website looked like he was a solid, family man who wanted to help others. He used to say, “To be trusted is a high honour.”
It’s ironic that the level of trust that is essential to making the process of therapy effective can also be what causes the client to doubt herself and dismiss red flags during sessions which eventually result in harm.
It is this power-imbalance, brought about by the patient’s trust and acceptance of “domination,” that allows health care professionals to exploit as well as to heal.
Jan Wohlberg, Therapy Exploitation Link Line
The American Association of Christian Counsellor’s - the organisation where my counsellor was licensed - clearly states in it’s code of ethics that its members are to “proactively avoid all manner of harm,” and be aware of their “psychosocial and spiritual influence and the inherent power imbalance of helping relationships. - power dynamics that can harm others, even without harmful intent.”
Yeah, but it’s not rocket science , is it?
If you’re a counsellor, pastor, mentor, doctor or any one who gets paid (or volunteers) to help others, please don’t do anything to harm them or their family or their reputation or their life. And if you see yourself as incapable of loyalty to your profession and code of ethics then please pass your client on to someone else. It shouldn’t be that hard, should it?
Now, as I look back, and after everything that I’ve learned and continue to learn, my counsellor kept terrible boundaries from the very beginning. The safeguards that needed to remain up for both his and my protection were gradually eased.
He slowly crossed lines to the point where he sexualized our relationship via texting and the phone, told me he loved me, asked me for suggestive pictures and basically used me to satisfy his own unmet needs.
He had privy to my world. I shared things with him that I would never have shared with another man: not a coworker, not the guy at the gym, not even a family member! I was supposed to let down my guard at his professional door and pour out my heart. I did but this made me vulnerable to his words.
When he gradually appeared to enjoy me and reach out to me in ways that did not align with the sacredness of his role, it was both validating and confusing. It was an abuse of his position and inerrant power in that position, whether he realized it or not. His actions do not make me the “other woman.”
So much harm is done when you refer to an adult victim of clergy or therapy abuse as the “other woman.” It places an identity on us as a perpetrator of an affair instead of acknowledging that we are victims of abuse.
Lori Anne Thompson, victim of Ravi Zacharias of the organization RZIM, had this to say about the abuse of adult women:
We go into a doctor’s office and the doctor has the role of caring for your physical body. And so, the doctor may hand you a garment and say ‘Disrobe’. And without question, what do we do? We just disrobe. We take off all of our clothing and we put on the medical garment. And then we lie down, and we are assessed based on the fiduciary duty.
That’s what happens in a religious setting, where the religious professional says ‘Here’s a garment, put this on. Disrobe - let us look at your naked soul’. And so, when a cleric sexualises that relationship, it is catastrophically traumatic.
Just like the betrayal of an affair is messy and has a devastating impact on a person and on a marriage, so does abuse by a professional have those same effects but now you’re left with three victims instead of two: the husband and wife and the abuser’s wife. In many cases, you are also left with a victim who is ostracised and blamed by her church leadership and community.
What occured between my counsellor and I was not a flaw in character but rather a response to my counsellor’s abuse. My vulnerable state made it easy for me to miss or explain away his red flag behaviours; it made it easy for me to feel special when my ex-counsellor started to say that he didn’t just think of me as “someone I work with.”
His kind words of encouragement and care when I had been emotionally empty for years, did their job. As a professional, he was not wrong to use them. When he used them for good, they were helpful and validating. At any point if he began to experience gratification in our sessions or our communications he should have ended his working relationship with me. Continuing to work with me, and allow me insight into his personal life is called grooming.
In Deborah A. Lott’s book, In Session - The Bond Between Women and Their Therapists she explains how, even when a therapist behaves questionably, most female clients are likely to give the therapist the benefit of the doubt and as time goes on and their investment in the therapy increases, they find it difficult to acknowledge red flags.
Yes, I missed a ton of red flags during the year plus that I worked with this counsellor. Looking back now, I can easily identify them. I see them now partly because I know more about therapy abuse in general; because I’m looking through the lens of a woman who is not vulnerable in the way I was vulnerable then. Now I’m on the outside able to objectively look into that unique space that my counsellor created and recognize the things that he did and said that led to the abuse. It’s easier to see truth from here but there is still leftover confusion and regrets.
But by God’s grace there is love, healing and forgiveness for each one of us when we reach out to Him. And even though I have not arrived yet, I know God is here with me. He is angry with me over this injustice. He is hurting with me and He is patient with me as I move through the process of healing for myself and my marriage.