Calling His Wife
My story is definitely a litany of, “What not to do if you think a woman is having an affair with her counsellor or pastor.”
Three days after my husband discovered that I had become emotionally entangled with my Christian counsellor, he threatened he would leave me if I did not call my counsellor’s wife and tell her what had been going on. My pastor supported this idea so we met at the church to call her.
From the very beginning this felt wrong.
Firstly, it was unfair to his wife. The truth should have come from her husband and not one of her husband’s clients. At the time, it felt awful but today I can confidently say that this was the worst plan ever! I’ve since told my husband but not yet talked to my pastor about it. I know he meant well, but well-meaning people can damage other people.
A professional, rejected his code of ethics when he took advantage of my vulnerability and yet I was asked to humble myself and apologize to his wife for what I did. My ex-counsellor did not call my husband to apologize for abusing me. He certainly didn’t remove himself (until asked) from his position in his ministry.
He also refused any culpability in his legal response to the lawsuit filed by my husband and I months later. This was another of my husband’s demands if I wanted him to stay in the marriage. I know this demand was fuelled by pain.
When I called his wife, I read a pre-written statement regarding my “involvement” with her husband. I told her that he had called me and said he loved me. I told her there had been daily communication that sexualized conversation and I told her I was sorry for my part in it. I think I asked forgiveness for it but I can’t remember. I don’t know where that letter wound up.
It’s not that I’m not sorry now. I’m just not sorry in the way I thought I had to be.
I was definitely sorry that his wife had to get this phone call from me or anyone else. Today, I’m sorry that her husband did not create boundaries or keep up strong safeguards that would have protected us both. I’m sorry I emailed his ministry for help in the first place. I’m sorry he was not well trained. I’m sorry he betrayed me, my husband and his wife. I’m sorry for the pain my husband went through because of it. I’m sorry I have to write this stupid blog. I’m sorry there are many “my stories” out there. There are a lot of things for me to be sorry for but having an affair is not one of them.
I have the greatest compassion for his wife.
She deserved so much more from her husband. I have an idea of what her devastation might look like because I lived with my husband’s pain afterwards. I know that she has to have been traumatized by the news that she received: that her husband had an emotional and sexualized “affair” with someone he had counselled. However, the reality is, that her husband abused one of his clients.
He knew I was trying to work through the pain as a result of some marital issues. He said he would help but instead he breached my trust, using me for his own best interest, not my own.
I sometimes think about her.
I hurt for whatever loss, grief and betrayal she feels. Sometimes I wonder if she wants to reach out to me and ask questions or just give me a piece of her mind. I wonder if she has the idea that I seduced her husband when he was trying to help me.
If I could speak to her today, I don’t even know what I’d say. I doubt I’d speak the truth: “Your husband broke his code of ethics, acted in his own interest, took advantage of my vulnerability and the sacred space reserved for me where I was to heal, not sustain more damage.” That would be a terribly unempathetic response.
I’d never say any of that to her. Perhaps I’d leave it at, “I’m so sorry you had to go through this.” I could speak that truthfully.
I have been through the gamut of emotions this past year and I feel like I may be coming off a bit harsh in some of my posts. I think it reflects the season that I’m in right now. The season of being angry and feeling violated by my counsellor (even though it was not a physical in-person relationship); feeling frustrated by the slow movement of the church to recognize such abuse; and being wrongly thrown into affair recovery has created a space where I’ve chosen to allow my anger to fester now and then.
I say “chosen” because I know that God does not want me in this place forever. I do believe it is a part of my recovery though and I don’t believe that God is mad at me for struggling with resentment as long as I am actively working through it. I am.
This broken record will play on until it’s heard.
Why do we minimize the abuse of vulnerable, adult women by Christian professionals and call it an affair? An affair implies consent between two equal parties which this was not.
We need to call it what it is: abuse.
Whether a predator or just pathetically poor at honouring boundaries, the end result is the same. Why are we afraid to say, “Yeah, you abused her: misused her, took advantage of her, manipulated her and put your own interest ahead of hers.”?
Why do people find it easier to focus on the woman, in ignorance pointing an accusing finger at her while minimizing the abusive role that the professional male played?
The Church, as a whole, needs to rethink its historically inaccurate position on this.