Adult Clergy Sexual Abuse: the Betrayed Husband
I am reflecting a lot lately on the concept that my husband experienced double betrayal as a by-product of abuse by my Christian counsellor.
My husband and I used to call the abuse an affair. My counsellor was both a trained pastor and a Christian counsellor and so in my opinion, his behaviour can be referred to as ACSA (Adult Clergy Sexual Abuse) or even therapy abuse. Regardless, the result was a double betrayal toward my husband.
Here’s what I mean:
In the case of ACSA towards women
The female victim has been sexually abused and betrayed by a leader in spiritual authority over her.
The female victim’s husband has been betrayed by his wife’s abuser.
The female victim’s husband (the secondary victim) has experienced betrayal from his wife. (this is not an “affair” type of betrayal)
Here’s a fictional analogy that I hope will bring clarity:
I picked my car up from the mechanic who had put in new brakes. On the way home, my brakes failed and I hit a pedestrian. Although it wasn’t my fault, I can’t say that I didn’t hit a pedestrian. I did hit a pedestrian and that pedestrian was wounded and I feel awful for hitting the pedestrian and I have empathy for what that pedestrian is going through.
Three things are objectively true here:
1. I hit a pedestrian while driving my car and feel horrible about it.
2. It was as a result of the mechanic’s error.
3. The mechanic bears the blame.
In the same way that hitting a pedestrian was not the result of my bad driving skills, betraying my husband was not a result of a lack of integrity or a choice to have an affair. It was a result of abuse.
Why did I keep secrets that would betray my husband?
Like many victims of ACSA and therapy abuse, there are many red flag behaviours and signs of grooming that I did not recognize but even after my counsellor’s behaviour was clearly wrong, I also kept this from my husband.
“… most victims of clerical seduction tended to blame themselves at first, and many are still fearful of unmasking their seducers … ”
“You hesitate to come forward because you feel you will be the one who’s the bad guy because you should have known better.’”
“Many women don’t speak out about sexual abuse by pastors because, along with enduring terrible damage to their own self-esteem and relentless public shredding of their reputations, they will suffer the loss of personal and community relationships — what may amount to a devastating social and spiritual exile. The time-honored response to such situations is to blame women — the “other woman” or the pastor’s wife — for the sexual transgressions of a male minister. ”
…and this article: Why Did You Keep Going for So Long? Issues for Survivors of Long-Term, Sexually Abusive "Helping" Relationships by P. Susan Penfold, M.D. includes more discussion and examples of why women being abused by someone in a helping profession don’t leave.
So what did this not mean?
This did not mean that I was not remorseful for what happened. It did not mean that I was not empathetic towards my husband’s resulting trauma; It did not mean that I expected him to “get over it”; and it certainly did not mean that I didn’t seek out God and repent of any sin in me. I did all those things.
What did this mean?
It meant that my husband and I were co-victims of a crime that my counsellor had committed and as a fellow survivor once said to me, it meant that my counsellor had violated my marriage through his abuse. It meant that our collective fingers should point straight to him alone as the one responsible. Unfortunately, not all did.
The “one victim” approach doesn’t work with ACSA
The mistake that many people make is to see this as one betrayal and one victim. That’s why some will call it an affair. It’s easier to get your head around a simple concept of good and evil which involves one perpetrator and one victim, but that simplifies the complexities of ACSA. That thinking requires us to treat abuse like an affair and choose a side in a marriage where there are two victims. That kind of thinking is not helpful.
What is helpful?
Acknowledging the double betrayal of the husband while also acknowledging that the wife is a victim of abuse is key. It’s not one or the other. There is no need to minimize the impact of betrayal on the husband to see his wife as a victim. And there is no need to minimize the wife’s experience of abuse to see the husband as betrayed.
My husband went through a lot!
My husband experienced a lot of pain as a result of my abuser: triggers, intrusive thoughts, feelings of inadequacy, lack of sleep and hatred for my abuser. He struggled to trust me, he wanted to know where I was at all times and wanted access to my phone and computer. He also wanted to protect me and felt remorse for the vulnerable position that he had left me in.
He worried I was “in love” with or at least thought that I was in love with abuser. He worried my abuser might try to reach out to me. He worried that the natural bond created between client and counsellor that had been distorted from the abuse would make it difficult for me to ‘un-attach’ from my abuser. His experience was similar to a man whose wife’s had an affair. Betrayal feels like that. The difference is that in the of ACSA (or therapy abuse) the blame belongs on the abuser, not the wife.
My husband deserved empathy — and a lot of it! The goal is never to take away from what what the betrayed husband of an ACSA survivor needs to heal; the goal is to ensure that both husband and wife receive the understanding and validation of their unique experience that comes as a result of the same abuse.
I know by experience that systems of recovery that refer to the abuse as an affair do not accomplish this. In fact, they create additional trauma for the abused woman who is aching to be acknowledged and understood and it sets the couple up for future chaos when they inevitably have to reframe what they thought was an affair and look at it through the eyes of abuse.
The Big Take-away:
When working with ACSA victims, do not assume that because a husband has been betrayed, his wife must be the perpetrator. Instead, acknowledge every angle of betrayal and identify each victim, all the while remembering that it is the one in the position of power - in my case the counsellor - who is to be held fully accountable for the crime.